Love Potion Number 9
by LilStripedTomato
Summary: Snape has unknowingly been the victim of a love potion and all of the women in Hogwarts are after him! Now Snape, with the help of Lupin, must find out what is wrong with everyone and stop the madness! Chapter 5 now up, enjoy!
1. I'm just a little unwell

_Author's Note: Hi there, Lil here! Hope you enjoy this fic, it is the first one I wrote, and I wrote it on Sweetest's Day (it was originally called A Not So Sweet Sweetest's Day For Snape), but then lost the notebook, alas! I have begun rewriting it from scratch, and I hope it is just as good this time. Please review! Oh, and go check out my other stories, they're funny! I plan to update **Adventures In Gimli's Beard!** soon, possibly tonight, yay! Of course, you'll have to read the first one first, called **WHAT'S IN GIMLI'S BEARD?**_

_Disclaimer:I do not own the song, which really has nothing to do with the story and is sung by the Coasters, or the characters who belong to J. K. Rowling. I own nothing but the bowl of soup I'm eating (mushroom,to be exact) and a red pen that has almost run out of ink and is the only pen I have left, alas! I hope you enjoy, so ON WITH THE STORY!!! And please remember to review!

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**Love Potion Number 9**

Chapter 1

* * *

_I didn't know if it was day or night!_

_I started kissin' everything in sight!_

_But when I kissed the cop down at 34th and Vine,_

_He broke my little bottle of,_

_Love Potion Number 9!

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Once upon a time, in a dungeon far, far away, Professor Severus Snape was shaving. Yes, shaving. It was terribly mundane, but he would not be nearly as scary and threatening-looking if he were to grow a handlebar moustache or some such nonsense, now would he? So he was at his mirror, whistling a happy tune and trying not to cut off his ear like that silly Van Gough fellow he once read about. After he was finished he splashed on a little of his favorite aftershave and continued getting dressed. 

Wait a minute… something was not right! He couldn't put his finger on it, but there was something definitely out of sorts. Oh well, no time to ponder it right now, he was going to be late for breakfast! And he was starving! He hurriedly threw on a robe over his clothes and headed out the door. In his haste, he did not notice the mysterious shadowy figure lurking just behind his chamber door. The figure watched him go, then cackled quite insanely and ran off up the stairs.

* * *

Snape was walking towards the Great Hall when one of his students ran into him, literally. Pansy Parkinson had run straight into him, knocking him to the floor with a loud thud. "Watch where you're going, you foolish girl!", he shouted. 

"Sorry, Professor," she stammered, "I didn't see you and…" She trailed off, looking quite strangely at Snape. Her eyes were all sparkly and she was smiling dreamily at him. Snape didn't notice this, as he was preoccupied with dusting himself off.

"That's alright," he snapped at her, "just watch where you're going next time!" And without looking back, he marched off towards breakfast, looking forward to a lovely Spanish omelette, or perhaps some yummy waffles.

* * *

He took a seat at the staff table at a vacant chair between Professors McGonagall and Sinistra. He greeted them with a courteous 'good morning' as he began piling food onto his plate, and they replied cheerfully. Everything seemed normal until he asked McGonagall to pass him the jam. His hand accidentally bumped hers as she handed him the jar and she suddenly went all googley-eyed. Her hand slipped, spilling jelly all over him. "Oh, I'm so sorry, Severus! Clumsy me!", she said, giggling like a schoolgirl and gazing strangely at him. 

"Here, let me help you.", offered Professor Sinistra, getting a napkin and dabbing at the offensive preservative. His protests that he could clean it himself were ignored. Suddenly she stopped and looked up at him, looking odd. Her eyes went all sparkly , too, as she gazed up at his face. "Severus," she said huskily, "I've never noticed before, but you have such beautiful eyes!"

Snape, looking very flustered, replied, "Um, thank you, I think." He then looked toward McGonagall to comment on Sinistra's odd behavior, and was instantly frightened! She was blushing and looking at him with adoration. He was even more frightened when she transfigured her teaspoon into a red rose.

Terrified, Snape was trying to think of what was going on when she suddenly grabbed his hand, got down on one knee, and proclaimed, "Severus, I love you! Will you marry me?" Snape tried to pull he hand away, only to find that the elderly woman was stronger than she looked, and determined to hang on to him!

"Minerva!", he shrieked, increasing his efforts to free himself from her grasp, "What in the wide, wide world of sports has gotten into you? Let me go! You're insane! And don't forget, you're already married!"

"Call me Minnie, Sevvie-baby!", she replied happily, not loosening her grip for a moment. Snape was now even more terrified!

He turned to Sinistra for help and was startled to see her staring at him with wide, sad eyes. "You're not going to do it, are you?", she asked him, looking extremely sad.

"Do what?", he asked her.

"Marry her," she said simply, almost in tears now.

He snapped, "Of course not, now will you help-", but he was cut off by the now ecstatic-looking Sinistra gripping his arm forcefully and looking triumphantly at McGonagall.

"I knew it!", she said gleefully, "He loves me, not you! Didn't you hear him?"

"WHAT?", he screeched. "I do not! Now both of you unhand me this instant, you loons!"

"Y'hear that?", cackled McGonagall happily, "He doesn't want to be with you! He loves me!" She tugged on his arm, trying to pull him from Sinistra.

"Oh no he doesn't", cried Sinistra, "he loves me! He's my little angel muffin!" She yanked on his other arm, jerking him almost off his chair, not noticing that her little 'angel muffin' was trying to get away from her just asmuch as her opponent.

They continued pulling and yelling as if he were a rope in a tug-o-war match. Snape felt as though his arms would be ripped from their sockets any minute now! "Will someone, anyone, please HELP ME!!!", he yelled to the rest of the staff table, who seemed not to notice anything odd. Professor Lupin then walked by, humming and smiling, seemingly oblivious to the chaos around him. "Remus," Snape called to him, "You've got to help me!" He was pleading now! "Save me! They're INSANE!"

Lupin looked at him and took a minute to assess the situation. Then, laughing, he turned to the still bickering and tugging women and announced, "I have an idea!" (Snape barely restrained himself from retorting, 'there's a first time for everything', remembering Lupin was trying to save him.) "Why don't you two ladies duel for his affection? The winner can marry him, and that will make it fairer than tearing him in half and each of you getting a piece."

"Great idea, Lupin!", the ladies said, jumping to their feet and, thankfully, letting go of Snape to draw their wands. Snape saw his chance and took it! He ran like smithereens out of the Great Hall and down the corridor, not stopping until he turned the corner. When he felt he had put enough distance between him and the scary female professors, he let out a sigh of relief and sat down on the floor to catch his breath. Lupin had followed him, though at a much less hectic pace. When he reached his collapsed colleague, he sat down next to him.

* * *

"Thanks a lot, Remus!", said Snape gratefully. " I thought they were going to pull me apart! What's wrong with them?" 

"You're welcome," Lupin replied happily. "I'm not sure what was wrong with them, they sure were acting scary, though!" He stopped talking and a pointed ear twitched. "I hear footsteps, someone's coming!", he whispered, using his super-werewolf-hearing-abilities to figure out which way the sound was coming from.

Snape drew his wand, preparing for the worst.

"Get behind me Lupin!", Snape cried, throwing an arm in front of the other man, "They can be dangerous!" But when the person turned the corner, the men were relieved to see it was only Pansy Parkinson. "Miss Parkinson, shouldn't you be at breakfast?", Snape asked her.

"Oh, I was looking for you, Professor.", she said to Snape, smiling sweetly. At his inquiring stare she continued, "You left the Great Hall in such a hurry, I didn't think you had time to finish your breakfast, so I came to give you this!" She then lifted the lid off of a golden tray that neither man had noticed her carrying before. It was covered with pancakes cut in the shape of hearts, topped in syrup, whipped cream, strawberries, and little pink, heart-shaped sprinkles, how frightening!

"Oh no, not you too!", Snape gasped! "Now the insanity has even started affecting the students!"

She just smiled bigger and said, "Oh, I do hope you like it! I conjured it up myself, just for you! You've always been my _favorite_ teacher!"

Snape thought about making a run for it, but she didn't look like she was going to cause him any bodily harm at the moment, so he just said, "Um, thank you for you thoughtfulness, but I'm, um, not really hungry right now."

"But I made it just for you!", she stated. "You're so smart and handsome and talented and brave and strong and tall and sweet and-", she continued rambling. Snape looked at Lupin, but received no help there, as his comrade was busy covering his mouth with both hands, trying not to laugh.

"Lupin, you're turning blue.", Snape noticed. Then he saw an excuse to leave and not crush the poor girl's spirit! He turned to her and she stopped rambling. "Excuse me, Miss Parkinson, but Professor Lupin is turning blue, he seems to have caught, umm, Stupidpersonitis, yes, very rare! Turning blue is one of the first symptoms! It's highly contagious, so I must take him away and administer the antidote immediately, goodbye!" he said all in a rush and, grabbing the still blue Lupin, ran down the corridor.

"Well, okay, you go ahead then. I'll have this food sent to your room for later on!", she said happily to the tinny, retreating form of her professor. She then skipped off to find a house elf to make the delivery, humming 'I'm The One Who Wants To Be With You'.


	2. I'm going slightly mad

_Author's Note: Hi there, again! Lil here, again! Here's the second chapter for ya, hope you like it! Please review, and be nice! _

_Disclaimer: I own nothing, but I do have an old tape of the song Love Potion # 9, I love that song!

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**Love Potion Number 9**

Chapter 2

When the disturbed Potions Master had gone all the way down to the dungeons, he dropped his friend unceremoniously on the ground and glared at him. "Well," he said to the now purple man sitting beside him, "you're a whole lot of help." Lupin, who could no longer contain his mirth, exploded with laughter.

"Shhhhh!", Snape snapped, unsuccessfully trying to silence Lupin, who was now rolling on the ground with tears in his eyes. "There could be some other strange person sneaking around down here, just waiting to pounce!" Lupin tried to calm himself down, so as not to be heard by any nefarious persons that may be plotting against the paranoid Potions Professor. "We have to be careful," Snape continued, "we don't know what crazy individual may be lurking around any corner!"

At this, a hand tapped Snape's shoulder, and he jumped into the air, shrieking like a little girl, only to hit his head on the rather low dungeon ceiling and come crashing to the ground. This sent Lupin, who had reduced himself to low chuckling, into wild peals of insane laughter again. Snape spun around, clutching his head in pain, to find, not a sinister assassin, but a rather startled-looking Hermione Granger. "Yes, Miss Granger?", he asked, trying to sound normal.

She looked at him as if he were mad (which is quite possible). "I was just wondering when we were going to get our last test back, Professor Snape, sir. I didn't mean to frighten you."

"I was not frightened!", he proclaimed in a threatening voice, "You merely surprised me, that's all." Both his colleague and his student looked at him doubtfully. He continued to Hermione, "You will get your tests back when I have decided to give them back! Now go away!" She turned around and walked off, a bit disturbed. "And ten pints from Gryffindor!", he called out.

"I don't know what's wrong with these people today!", Snape was telling Lupin , "It's like they're all under some mad sort of spell! Maybe they've been cursed!"

"I think maybe Madam Pomfrey could help us, maybe _you've _been cursed or something.", said Lupin.

"_Me?_", asked Snape, "I'm not the one acting like a raving lunatic!"

"Yes," agreed Lupin, "but maybe there is something wrong with you, like a spell put on you that makes everyone you meet go crazy or something. Maybe I'm not affected by it because werewolves are immune to most curses."

"Possibly," Snape said, "but highly unlikely. You were already insane to begin with, no spell required. Also, my Snapey-sense tells me that it is something farmore sinisterthan that." They had reached the hospital wing and had walked inside before Lupin had realize that he had just been insulted.

* * *

They decided to head to the hospital wing to get Madam Pomfrey's opinion on what could be wrong, hoping she would have some answers. 

They walked into the room, anxious to see ifthe nursecould tell them what was wrong. She, after all, did have lots of experience in the strange happenings at Hogwarts. There were no ill or injured students to tend to, and she immediately hurried over to them to see what was wrong. "Oh, hello there, dears!", she said to them, "What seems to be the trouble?"

Snape and Lupin explained to her the strange events of the morning while she listened with curiosity. After their tale, Pomfrey suggested they go somewhere a little more private to discuss the problem, and, grabbing each man by the arm, ushered them into her office. "I think I know what may be the problem," she tells them, "But I don't know who did it or how to fix it."

She then pours them tea and offers them cookies before continuing, "With the way you describe people's reactions to you, it appears to be…" She leaned closer to them, apparently to whisper what it was that was ailing the poor Potions Professor. All of a sudden, she kissed Snape on the cheek and said, "Gee, you're cute!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!", the wizards screamed, and ran out of there like a tarantula out of a mud pit! Unfortunately at that time the bell rang to signal the end of breakfast. Students ran from the Great Hall out into the hallway, and so did the teachers who had still been finishing their meal. Try as they may, Snape and Lupin could not avoid bumping into several people as they escaped. However, when they saw two love-struck female professors, the pair stopped running and jumped behind a rather large and ugly potted plant.

After a few moments, the hallway grew quiet. The students were all gone, and so, presumably, were McGonagall and Sinistra. "Remus," Snape whispered, "check and see if the coast is clear!" The man cautiously did as he was told and peeked his head around to look down the corridor. Suddenly, a hand appeared out of nowhere and grabbed him by the hair, hauling him into the air!

* * *

The insane pair of women had apparently decided to work as a team, seeing as how they were together and not trying to kill each other, although it seems they had already tried very hard. 

"I've got him!", cried Sinistra, looking scary. She had apparently dueled with McGonagall like the werewolf had suggested, and had ended up with her her robes torn, her eye blackening, and her hair disheveled.

"No, that's just Lupin!", said the other villainess, looking equally scary. She was missing her hat and her hair was beyond disheveled, standing on end and looking slightly burnt. In fact, a few strands were still smoking! She also had a bloody lip and her glasses were cracked. "He's not who we want, throw him back!"

"Wait, Minerva!", theAstronomy Professorsaid excitedly, "Maybe he knows where Snapey-poo is!" She then proceeded to shake him like a rag doll and cackle quite evilly. Soon the two witches had agreed to keep him hostage until he gives them information.

"We have ways of making you talk!",snickered McGonagall, "You bet your bottom we do! You'd better tell us where he is now!" The insane women raise their claws to accentuate their point of them being dangerous and succeed in looking very frightening indeed!

The threatened man stood his ground and said bravely, "I will never tell you where Severus is! He's my friend and I'm not giving up his location so that you two vultures can have your wicked ways with him!"

"Very well, then!", the ladies said scarily, and began to draw their wands. Lupin, even in the face of death, still showed Gryffindor bravery, and would not give in to them in the slightest!

Snape, seeing what was going on, realized that he had to protect the man from the terrifying torturers! He jumped out from behind the ugly plant and yelled, "Leave him alone! It's me you want, let him go!" His plan worked and they dropped his companion to the floor, forgetting him and running towards their object of affection. "Run, Remus!", Snape shouted to him, "Save yourself!"

* * *

The heroic Potions Professor was sacrificing himself to save his friend, how brave! As the scary women darted towards him, Lupin came up behind them and, being much faster thanthe two,ran right past them to Snape and grabbed him by the collar. 

"What are you doing?", Snape asked him, "Why didn't you run?"

"Well, Severus," said Lupin, "You didn't think I was just going to leave you here with those harpies, did you?" He then ran like the dickens, dragging Snape behind him.

They got to the end of the hallway and climbed the first set of stairs they saw. Up and up they went, not knowing where they were going and not caring, so long as they got away from Sinistra and McGonagall! Soon, however, they ran out of stairs. There was a ladder that presumably led to the top of the tower, and they climbed it quickly as well.

The men found themselves in a dimly lit room full of squishy chairs, and, not caring where they were, sat down to catch their breath and rest their legs, which had done quite a bit of running that morning. It was quiet except for the sound of their breathing until…

* * *

"Welcome, gentlemen! I knew you would be dropping in shortly.", a creepy voice announced from a dark corner. The pair jumped and spun around to find Professor Trelawney gazing at them in her usual eerie sort of way. She walked over to them and bade them to sit back down. "I know the reason you are running.", she told them, "And I can help you." 

"What's wrong?", asked Snape, "Who's behind this? How do you know it?"

"My dear Severus, I see all.", the witch explained. "I can show you how to stop the madness, if you'd like."

"Of course!", he said, "What do I have to do?"

Trelawney led the pair over to a table with a crystal ball on it. "Gaze into the ball with me and we shall see what is in store for you.", she told them.

The Potions Master leaned forward and looked hard into the crystal orb, but all he saw was fog, and his own creepy reflection. Not knowing a thing about Divination, he turned to Trelawney and asked, "What does it say?"

She grabbed his hand and peered into the misty sphere. "Why, Severus, I see danger!", she exclaimed, "You're life is in great jeopardy! I see that you must not come into contact with… Wait a minute, the signs are changing!" She leaned in closer and then turned gravely to him.

"What is it?", the two men asked her. She just looked at poor Snape with shock and horror written on her face.

Suddenly, she scooted closer to him and shouted, "I see romance in your future, my dear!" And with that she jumped into his lap and put her arms around his neck, trying to kiss him! He jumped up and screamed, dropping her to the floor like a sack of potatoes. He and Lupin had to find a safer hiding place, and off they scurried, paying no attention to the cries of "Come back, come back! Don't you know that it's destiny?"


	3. They're coming to take me away, haha!

_Author's Note: Hi there! Lil here! I don't have return to classes until Monday, so I decided to write some more while I still have the time! I'm glad everyone liked the story, it is one of my best pieces in my opinion. I would like to thank all of the little people who voted for me and... oh wait, wrong speech! I would like to thank everyone who reviewed, you're all so nice! You get a cookie!_ **Thank you to** wolfwoman357 _(there's a movie? As always, thanks! Glad you like it! Oh, and Snape is beyond freaked out, he probably thinks he's in the Twilight Zone orsomething, lol!),_s.halliwell24 _(thanks so much, I'm glade you like it! They made me laugh too! you should've seen how hard I was cracking up while writing this story the first time!), _mordrei _(thanks for the review and advice but... _Hermione and Snape??? WAY OFF!!! _Sorry, that's a bit too weird for me! In none of my storieswill I have an adult with a child, that is just wrong! And_ ewwww! _But thank you for the 'advice', and don't worry, Snape and Lupin get into much more trouble!), _HP-Scriptor _(wow! Me, talented? Thanks a lot! I will definitely consider your offer, and I am very flattered! I will visit your link sometime soon!). You guys are really great! You all get a cookie! I hope you like this chapter. And as always, please review!_

_Disclaimer: I own nothing, I swear I don't know who took them! They're not here, feel free to investigate further! No, officer, don't look in that closet!---Oh, how'd _they_ get in there? I've never seen those men before in my life! Don't listen to a word they say, especially the tall one! I did nothing, nothing I tell you! Let me go! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!_

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**Love Potion Number 9**

Chapter 3

The merry duo were still flying down steps when suddenly Snape brought Lupin to a halt. "Remus," he said, "my Snapey-sense is tingling! There is a foul plot afoot!"

"It's not my feet, I just washed them!", opposed the other man, receiving a strange look.

"No, you idiot!", replied Snape, "Something it terribly wrong, I believe someone is out to do me harm!" They looked around, but saw no one. How strange, there should have at least been a few students loafing around the corridors in the middle of the day.

It was quiet… too quiet. Just then Lupin, using his super-werewolf-hearing-abilities, heard something rather odd. To him it sounded kind of like when you were standing outside a stadium where a Def Leppard concert was going on. In other words, it sounded like a far away bunch of hysterical, insane women! "Severus," he said, "I think that your 'fan club' has grown quite a bit!"

"Why would you say that?", asked Snape, "I don't see anyone else running mad through the castle." Just then, though, he heard the noise as well. And it was getting louder!

"They're in the dungeons!", cried Lupin, "They're waiting down there for you! It sounds like at least fifty of them, probably more!"

"Oh, my poor dungeons!", moaned Snape, "They'll destroy my lab!"

"Better your lab than us!", pointed out his friend, "Let's get out of here! We should go see Dumbledore, he'll know what's going on!"

So to the Headmaster's office they fled, luckily only running into a couple of students (thankfully both male). As Lupin gave the password, 'Laughing Lollipops', they heard footsteps behind them! They ducked into the stairwell behind the gargoyle just in time to avoid being seen by a frightening Professor Trelawney, who had been chasing them but was apparently very slow.

* * *

As soon as they knocked on his door, Dumbledore ushered them in. He looked at them and inquired as to the occasion of their visit. Snape explained everything that had happened that day, with Lupin helpfully adding things in. 

When they were finished telling this incredibly odd and highly ridiculous story, Dumbledore just looked at them, not saying a word. It was very strange and soon the silence became unbearable. Snape, exasperated, finally looked at him and said, "You _do_ believe us, don't you?" The quiet that followed made them uneasy, and they began to think that the old man really did think they had gone off their rockers!

Finally, after what seemed like ages, he spoke! "That is a very strange tale, indeed.", he said, "Are you to tell me that not only students, but _Professors_ are behaving as if they are completely infatuated with you?" Snape nodded. The Headmaster continued, seemingly to himself, "Oh, my, this is quite a predicament. What shall we do? What is the cause of this? Could it be old Moldywart? No, he's not that desperate. Maybe it's Potter playing a prank? No, that boy's as dumb as a post. Hmmm, yes this is quite a predicament, indeed."

"Umm, Headmaster?", the Potions Professor interrupted his boss's ramblings, "What do you think I should do?"

The elderly man just sat there, thinking. He then said, "When trying to solve something, I find that retracing my steps is the best thing to do. Yes, that's it. Start at the beginning and then see where things began to get freaky."

The two teachers stared at Dumbledore. First the vociferous prattlings on, and now 'Freaky'? Maybe he was getting senile or something. Oh well, Snape had decided to heed his advice, and Lupin had offered to help.

There was just one problem… To start at the beginning meant going into Snape's quarters, which are in the dungeon… along with a horrifying horde of love-struck females! They _had_ to find out what went wrong, but they had to wait until an opportunity came along that meant they wouldn't be torn to pieces. Pondering what to do, they left Dumbledore's office.

* * *

Out in the hall, however, they found that they should've stayed inside the office, as Pavarti and Padma Patil were in the hall and promptly shouted in unison, "We found Professor Snape, he's up here!" They then ran down a flight of stairs, presumably to tell the other 'fan club members', as Lupin would call them. 

Snape had the bright idea to run outside, they probably wouldn't look outside of the castle, how brilliant! And if they did come out and search the grounds, our favorite fleeing fellows could always hide in Hagrid's hut, or, as a last resort, the Forbidden Forest. Snape thought thateven that sounded better than being caught by the love-struck loons!

The pair dashed out the front doors before they could be spotted, thank goodness! However, in their haste to get away they did not see a figure coming across the lawn until it was too late… POW!

* * *

Poor Professor Sprout was bowled completely over by her cowardly colleagues, and they all landed in a heap on the ground. Lupin and Snape helped the round lady up, but prepared to run again as she turned to talk to them. 

"Oh, there you are, Severus!", she said, "I was just comin' to look for you!"

Snape looked panicked, he had had enough of people looking for him today! But not wanting to be rude, he replied, "Oh, really? What is the search pertaining to?" He dreaded the answer.

"I was bringing you these Violets like you asked for.", she told him, picking up a heretofore unnoticed pot on the ground. There were four pots that she had dropped when they collided, each containing a large, purple flower with fangs. They apparently did not find being dropped onto the ground very enjoyable, seeing as how they were hissing and growling.

"Oh, yes, I remember!", Snape declared, "I needed the Venomous Vipertoothed Violets for that Prenoticulous Potion I'm supposed to brew for Pomfrey this evening." He sighed with relief. "That's all you wanted?"

"Well of course! Why did you think I was lookin' for you, to propose?", she asked, laughing.

"You wouldn't be the first today.", remarked Lupin. At her inquiring stare he just shook his head and said, "Never mind, you don't want to know."

"I'm sorry, Pomina, but we really must be going.", Snape told Sprout, reaching down to pick up a pot. He did not notice her looking at his rear as he bent over. When he had gathered the growling flowers from the ground he turned to thank her, only to receive yet another horribly mushy and sparkly-eyed stare. "Oh, no!", he cried!

Sprout was looking at him with adoration and love written all over her face, she did not even notice as the Vipertoothed Violet she was holding latched itself onto her finger. In fact, the wound had started bleeding quite profusely and, being a _Venomous_ Vipertoothed Violet, her entire hand was turning a lovely shade of lime green. Still she stared at Snape. "You know," she commented, "proposing doesn't seem like such a bad idea." She then ran and jumped at Snape, locking him into a tight hug that was more like a vice grip.

He could not breathe! Poor Snape smacked her on the arm and she still failed to notice that he was turning blue, much as Lupin had done before, but for a very different reason. The tortured teacher was in danger of dying due to lack of oxygen when Lupin spoke up, "Let him get some air, woman! He's gonna keel over and die!"

This made Sprout look down and see that the object of her affection had stopped breathing. "Oh, my!", she cried, dropping him to the ground, "This man needs emergency mouth-to-mouth resuscitation!"

At this horrid thought he opened his eyes and sprang to his feet crying, "NOOOO!"

"Yay, you're alive! I didn't break you!", Sprout said happily. She then observed that the fanged flower she was holding was clamped on to her finger, which looked quite gruesome. "Oh, I'd better go have Poppy take a look at this!", she said, "I'll drop this little plant off in your office when I'm done. Don't you go away, now!" With that she left, skipping merrily across the lawn and into the castle.

* * *

"Whew, I'm glad that's over!", Snape said. 

"Me, too.", agreed Lupin.

They had spoken too soon, for just then a shadow fell over them. The pair of professors looked up to see something up in the sky circling them like a hawk. Was it a bird? Was it a plane? No, it was Madam Hooch! She came to a stop not far from them and landed. Then she came hurtling across the lawn, still carrying her broom, and cried, "Oh, Severus! Yoo-hoo! Over here!" They turned to look for an escape, but there was no way they could get away when they were on foot, and if they went back into the castle they'd be mauled for sure! What were they going to do?


	4. I'm crazy for loving you

_Author's Note: Hi there! Lil here! HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY, ELVIS!!! Yes, the King turned 70 this weekend, how lovely! Hope you all had a lovely Winter Break, alas, mine is over! I had classes today, bummer. Oh well, nothing good lasts forever. Except reviews, they're good! I got some, yay!_ Thank you_ to:_ Vanillafluffy_ (glad you like the silly fun! It makes me giggle too! Now that I think about it, I'd like some yummy waffles! But Tommy broke the waffle iron, alas!), _inuyoukai-01_ (hilarious? Why thank you! And I do try to update soon, really I do, but 'soon' is such an irrelevant term.), _CyNicole_ (Okay! Okay! I have continued, now stop the poking!!! Lol, glad you like!), _Mordire _(oh, no. Hermione is not the culprit! She is affected later on in this chapter! It just takes a while for people to be 'infected' and she wasn't around him long enough at first to be obviously love-sick! Clever deductiveness, though.), _Avalon Estel_ (thanks a lot, dear Avie! Snapey-sense was due to watching too much Spider-man 2, which I got for Christmas. I loved the post-deuling professors as well! Lupin's insane laughter is brought out whenever I am laughing insanely (though not always, or else he'd never stop!), so there is quite a bit of it! But remember, I'm a nut! I can laugh all I want!) Thanks to all of you, you each get a peanut butter cookie! Oh, I think I should use this space as a shameless plug for one of my other stories, but I can't decide which one so: _Go read my other stories! Any of them, I don't care! Just be nice and leave a review, por favor! You know the drill, just click on my name up at the top and it will take you to a nice bio. Skip that crap and go straight to the bottom! Read those lovely pieces of fiction, they're sure to make you laugh!_ Anywho, I think I've rambled enough for now. On with the disclaimer! _

_Oh, by the way... I don't even know who the culprit is yet! I've decided to change it from who I had the first time I wrote it, so I'm stumped! If you want, tell me your guesses in your reviews and when the time comes to figure out the guilty party, I'll look at your ideas! Not guaranteeing anything, but..._

_Disclaimer: I own everything, everything! Muahahahahahahaha! -lawyer man in fancy suit comes and slaps Lil upside the head with a large and heavy briefcase- Alright, alright! I own nothing, nothing. Darn, almost got away with them this time! Stupid lawyers!_

_Oh yeah, and a cookie to all who got the 'it's not my feet, I just washed them!' reference to Robin Hood: Men In Tights, I LOVE that movie!

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**Love Potion Number 9**

Chapter 4

Our poor fellows were in a dilemma out on the lawn, but Professor Sprout was traipsing towards the castle, happy as a clam not in chowder. She opened the door and walked in and, seeing the many female figures scouring the hall in front of her, went over to McGonagall and Sinistra, who seemed to be in charge of the search. "Hello there, Minerva, Sylvia. Whatcha doin'?"

McGonagall looked at her and replied, "We're looking for Severus! You haven't seen him, have you?"

"As a matter of fact, I have!", she told the two teachers, "I just ran into him out in the yard, literally. He was very sweet! Have either of you notice how handsome he is looking today?"

Before she could say 'liver-flavored Kibbleshnitzel' her colleagues had ran down the corridor screaming, "Come on, girls, he's outside!!!" This was followed by a stampede of love-crazy ladies charging down the hall and out the door, several getting stuck because many had tried to go through at the same time. If the Crocodile Hunter were to observe them, he would say they look suspiciouly like a herd of water buffalo!

"Okay, well, bye!", Sprout said, heading for the infirmary to look for Madam Pomfrey, not knowing that the school nurse was among those in the mob.

* * *

Madam Hooch was running toward Snape and Lupin now at full speed! They had nowhere to go but backwards, so they started to run back to the castle. This escape route, however, was quickly cut off as the giggling group of loony ladies that had previously been in the castle came out the doors in a rush! With nowhere to run now, Snape quickly started to panic! There is a first time for everything, though, and it seems that now was the time for Lupin to use his brain! 

"Quick, Severus, to the bat cave! Oops, I mean broom closet!", he shouted, dashing towards the Quidditch field. Snape, not understanding, follows anyway, anything to get away from these weird women! They arrived at the broom closet used to store the schools brooms and Lupin unlocked the lock. Turning back to see how close the 'fan club' is getting, he was frightened and hurriedly grabbed the only two brooms that looked like they could stay in the air and handed one to Snape. They soared into the sky just as the mob reached them. A quick spell from Snape set the door locked in place, and it couldn't be unlocked without the key, unfortunately for his faithful followers! The two were flying off when they realized that they had forgotten about something… Madam Hooch!

The dynamic duo chanced a glance back behind them only to see that she is air-born as well, and her broom is a fair bit faster than the school's! Thankfully, however, the rest of the crowd has apparently given up trying to open the door and they all started back to the castle at a run. Now they just had Hooch to deal with. Not so bad, right?

Wrong. She, being the flying teacher, was an excellent flyer. Neither of them were even good enough to make their House Quidditch teams back in their day. But they had one advantage, pure, unadulterated fear! It was this fear that drove them on, and somehow they managed to elude their persevering pursuer.

* * *

It was then that the men found out why Snape's followers had run into the castle, at that moment brooms of every make and model were flying out of windows with teachers and students alike on them, and there were more coming every minute! Snape and Lupin thought that Hooch was hard to evade, but now they had to escape over two dozen broom-riding maniacs! 

They zigged and they zagged and they somehow managed not to get captured, yet. Frequent looks in the rearward direction, however, showed that the ranks of the hunters were growing, and quite rapidly! Madam Hooch was still in the lead, but she was closely followed by the Patil twins and Luna Lovegood. Not far behind theses three were the ever-frightening, dedicated and determined, breakfast-ruining Sinistra and McGonagall.

Snape wasn't sure what to do, there were more people flying after him every minute, and evading them was hard, the old broom he rode was not very aerodynamic and it's handling was probably equal to a wet mop! Still, he had to get away! He couldn't fall behind, who knows what they would do to him? That single thought and the will to live were what made him so darn uncatchable to the desperate witches! He and Lupin dodged, turned, and spiraled for a while, getting very dizzy. Soon a glance back saw that Professor Trelawney had added to the numbers on her flying carpet, joined by a few first years who had not yet learned how to fly on brooms. She was quickly catching up, and her breakneck speed and shoddy steering were making a few of her passengers turn green.

* * *

Meanwhile, back in Gryffindor Tower, Hermione Granger was just sitting down to do some extra credit homework when she happened to glance out the window. _What an odd flock of birds!_ she thought, and went back to reading. She then did a double-take! That large, black bird out in the front looked like… Professor Snape? But she had never seen him on a broom, she didn't even think he knew how to fly, and by the looks of it he wasn't doing very well, all that turning and spinning might make him fall off! And Professor Lupin was there, but he wasn't flying much better. Then she noticed that the rest of the 'birds' were, in fact, people, people who were after poor Professor Snape! 

She had to save him! Quickly, she ran up the stairs into the boy's dormitory and grabbed Ron's broom, telling him in a rush, "I'msorryIneedtogosaveProfessorSnape,I'llbringitback,thanks!", before leaping out the window! Well this did not suit Ron at all, and he went off to go find Hermione and get his broom back before she mangled it or something, but he didn't go out the window. He wisely chose the stairs.

* * *

Outside, Snape and Lupin were having a hard time trying to get away from the screaming Severus fans, they were getting closer by the second! Looking back showed that Blaise Zabini and Alicia Spinnet were moving up and now ahead of the nutty professors, the Patil twins were still gaining, and Cho Chang was now up toward the front with Luna. Hooch was nowhere to be seen, that was either very good or very bad! 

It turned out to be very bad, she had gained speed and flew above him, planning an ambush,and now chose this time to attack! She pounced on his broom, grabbing at him and trying to give him a great big smooch! He screamed like a little girl for the bazillionth time that day and tried to shove her off, in the process losing control of the broom. He tipped over and right off the blasted flying contraption, leaving her alone on it and very sad. The good thing is that he got away from Hooch, the bad thing is that he was no longer supported in the air. Another scream erupted from our favorite Potions Professor as he plummeted towards the ground, but was saved just in time by Lupin, who grabbed him by the back of the robes!

He thanked him gratefully for saving his life for the bazillionth time that day and tried to get on the broom, but couldn't manage it without hanging upside down. Well, he considered his options and decided that flying upside down on a broom high in the air is better than not flying upsied down on a broom high in the air, and settled for the first option. However, it was not particularly enjoyable when Lupin flew a bit too close to the top of a tree and Snape got a mouthful of leaves and twigs.

Daring to look behind them again showed that Trelawney had quickened her pace and was now at the head of the pack, along with her now terrified passengers who were clinging to the carpet like cats to a tree limb. However, the more qualified Quidditch players were right behind her and they looked determined to reach their professor first!

* * *

All of a sudden there was a loud noise that drowned out the rest, and a lone figure flies out of a tower window. "I'll save you, Professor!", the figure shouted, and dashed towards him like a hurricane! Soon the person was close enough for identifying, and it turned out to be Hermione, of course! She was there to rescue them but, unfortunately, couldn't fly very well. After almost running into the Whomping Willow, Professor Vector, and Hagrid's Hut, she finally reached them and pulled out her wand, announcing, "I won't let them hurt you! Immobulus!" At this everyone behind Snape and Lupin suddenly froze, stuck in mid-air! This was particularly fortunate for a poor first year who had just tumbled off of Trelawney's carpet and who was saved from an almost certain death. 

The Professors and student landed by the lake, Hermione a bit clumsily, but not as clumsy as Snape. Him being upside down, he had to let go of the broom before it came to close to the ground and then roll to a stop. Lupin turned to Snape and said, "Hey, why didn't we think of doing that?"

Snape just glared at him and said, "I don't know, I thought you were the one with all of the bright ideas!" After dusting himself off he stood up and turned to Hermione. "Thank you, Miss Granger, for saving my life. For this, I will do something I have never done before… Fifty points to Gryffindor!"

Lupin stood there, shocked, but Hermione beamed with pride. She gave a 1000-watt smile and skipped up to Snape. "Thanks for the points, Professor!", she said, but then turned scary. She batted her eyelashes and puckered her lips, saying, "But can't I have something _more_ than points? Like, a kiss?" She then dove at the man and he jumped away, screaming.

Drawing his wand he turned to her and said, "I'm sorry to have to do this, but… Petrificus Totalus!" With a 'thud' she fell to the ground, stiff as a board.

* * *

Just then the sound of footsteps behind them drew their attention, and none other than Ron Weasley showed up, running at full speed toward Hermione. "What on Earth happened to her?", he asked, "Oh, my poor baby!" 

The pair of professors were trying to come up with an explanation, but found it unnecessary when they saw what he meant. The young boy ran right past Hermione, whom he didn't even seem to notice, and picked up his broom, clutching it to his chest. "Oh, my poor broom, are you okay?", he asked it, "I'll never let mean old Hermione take you again! Look, you're all scratched, and your straws are bent! We've gotta get you back inside!" With that he ran off to the castle, muttering foul things about the petrified girl.

"Well, that was… odd.", stated Lupin.

"Indeed.", agreed Snape. "Let's get down to the castle while the mad people are still up there." He indicated his 'fan club', who were still immobilized in the air. Lupin nodded and they both scurried off to the dungeons. But what horrors awaited them there? What exactly were the mob members doing in his precious lab?


	5. Love bites

_Author's Note: Hi there! Lil here! Never fear, I did not fall into an endless abyss going to the center of the earth where there is no internet. I am making my triumphant return! Yes, I am actually updating, believe it or not! Sorry about the delay, I've had a lot of stuff going on. You may or may not know that my uncle Lacy was sick with stomach cancer, well he passed away last month. Thanks to all who have sent kind words my way and those who's writings have made me smile in such bleak times. But I am updating seeing that Spring Break is now here and I have nothing to do, huzzah! And I'm trying to make up for the lack of updates by leaving you this extra-long-super-special-and-chock-full-of-interesting-and-suspenseful-humor-mega-chapter! Three cheers for Lil! crickets chirp Where's the cheering? Anywho, on to the review responses! **THANK YOU** to **Avalon Estel** (as always thank you, and since you are my friend I will forgive you for not reviewing before. And I'm glad you like it, wait 'til you see what happens next, it's even wierder! -Gasp- I really don't like Hermione so I can do that to her, author's rules. Muahahahaha!), **inuyoukai-san** (thanks so much, glad I made you laugh! And if you're odder than Ron and his broomstick then you're pretty odd, neh? But I like Ron, he's kinda cute in an annoying sort of way.), **Becca **(wow, you haven't laughed that much in years? I feel priveledged! Either that or you need some comic relief in your life, lol. Hope you laugh just as hard this time!), **Pinkypig** (thanks so much! Glad you like it!), **Jessa L'Rynn** (thanks for the suggestion, but how would that explain the mysterious shadowy figure lurking behind his door and cackling evilly? Nice try, though, that would've been interesting if he'd done it himself. Very creative!), and **tofu** (OKAY, OKAY, OKAY, you don't have to beg! Here's more! Be happy! And glad to hear I'm brilliant, I always love compliments! -grins-) Wow, 6 reviews this time! I think that's a record! But I neglected to update for 2 months, so I was expecting more than that. Alas, I'm so unloved! Anywho, please enjoy the next chapter, and leave a nice review! And go check out my double drabble starring our two favorite professors, it's entitled **How Could You?** Thanks to all of you who have already read and reviewed it (13 amazing reviewers so far and it hasn't even been posted for a whole day!) Hope you like this chapter, and suggestions for the culprit are always welcome as I didn't like who it was last time I wrote it. If I don't get suggestions I'll just make it someone stupid and then you'll all get angry so... SUGGEST! Now on with the story, right after this handy-dandy disclaimer!_

_Handy-dandy Disclaimer: I didn't take them. Really this time. No, I don't care who you have testifying against me! No kidding? Well in that case I confess, I confess! Here, take them back! I'm too young to go in the slammer!_

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**Love Potion Number 9  
**  
Chapter 5_

* * *

_

The pair of puzzled professors proceeded to sneak about the castle, slowly making their way down to the dungeon. There was a close call as the lycanthrope heard the sound of approaching teenage girls, but they missed being seen by ducking into a large wardrobe. As soon as the gaggle of giggling girls got far away, they crept out and continued on their way.

After reaching the door to Snape's cheerful abode, they began to argue over who would be the one to open it. Neither wanted the task, as it was unsure what dangers lurked beyond the threshold. There was only one way to determine who it was going to be… rock, paper, scissors! Unfortunately, Lupin's scissors were beaten by Snape's rock, and he was going to have to open the door.

Creeping cautiously to the entranceway, he reached over and gently grabbed the knob. Wincing, as if expecting a trap, he flung the door open and jumped away to the side, narrowly avoiding the mountain of strange objects that tumbled out of the opening and covered Snape! All that was visible was a black shoe, and you could hear muffled screams for help emitted from the pile of pink.

Upon closer inspection, as he bent down to dig his friend out of the 'trap', Lupin discovered that it was no trap at all, but instead a horde of affectionate gifts from Snape's many admirers. There were cards, flowers, cupcakes, teddy bears, boxes of candy and… chocolate! The chocolate-loving-werewolf restrained himself from devouring the savory sweets and turned back to the task of retrieving the recipient of the romantic rewards. Finally reaching the raven-haired romeo and hauling him to his feet, Lupin said, "So that's why they were all down here! Aww, were they giving widduw Sevvie-wevvie some nice fwowers?"

* * *

A glare from the peeved Potions professor shut him up quickly, and the two carefully climbed the pile of presents to enter his chambers. A frightful sight greeted them, there were more objects of adoration inside, heaps upon heaps of every girly gift you could imagine! All of a sudden, out of nowhere Dobby the house elf popped up wearing a pink tutu and strumming a small guitar. He ran up to Snape and began singing 'Pour Some Sugar on Snape!" in a horribly off-key voice. Running away from the tiny crooner, Snape found that the elf followed him everywhere! He couldn't escape! Finally exasperated, he picked up the creature and tossed him out the door, trying to shut it but failing because of the mountain of gifts in the way. "Go away!", Snape screeched as Dobby happily bounded back into the room, still singing. 

"But Professor Snape, sir," said the elf, "Miss Weasley has sent me to serenade you with songs of love!" Finally, after much insistence by the wizards, he left. Happy to be rid of the hair-less hair metal horror, they decided to search the rooms for any signs of foul play that could be the cause of the ladies' sudden affixation with the dark and creepy man.

* * *

But where to start was the problem. After much looking around and not being able to do anything accomplishing with all of the mess in the room, Lupin sat down on the sofa with an exhausted 'squish'. Wait, that isn't the sound one normally makes when one sits down upon a sofa, is it? Jumping up, he turned around to find that he has sat down on the golden tray of Pansy Parkinson's pancakes! With much snickering from Snape, theDefense teacher pulled off the gooey mess and dropped the tray to the floor. Still there were partially pulverized pancakes stuck to the back of his pants, which made his companion laugh harder. But a quick cleaning spell remedied the situation and a quick reprimand and threat to go find the love-struck ladies and reveal the Romeo's location shut up the snorting Snape. 

Seeing as how they were getting nowhere, Lupin suggested that they start at the beginning. He asked the Potions Master to restart his day and go through every detail so they could examine all aspects and opportunities for sabbotage. So Snape decided to go where he was first thing every morning, in bed. Retracing his steps, he led Lupin into his bedchambers, which were fortunately sealed by a spell that meant the horde of hysterical harpies who left him the frightening presents couldn't get in. "Well," Snape said, "I don't see anything suspicious in here."

Checking out everything, the bed, the dresser, the closet, even knocking on the walls to check for hollow stones like paranoid nutcases, turned up nothing even slightly off. All of a sudden Lupin's super-werewolf-smelling-abilities picked up a foul scent. "Severus, something wicked this way comes!", Lupin said, looking towards the door. "I smell something evil around here, and I don't think it's you!"

* * *

Deciding to ignore that last comment, Snape turned towards the door and went back into the main living area. Then, seeing a shadow out in the hallway he shrieked again like a little girl and ran to hide in the bathroom. Just then Draco Malfoy entered the room, climbing over the pile of gifts left by the weird women. "Umm, you haven't seen Professor Snape around, have you?", the blonde boy asked Lupin. The man replied with a negative shake of his head. "Oh," said Draco, "well if you see him will you let him know that there's a whole gang of women looking for him? There're a ton of people searching the castle, just thought I'd let him know." 

The Slytherin lad then left and went back to wherever he was before thoughtfully thinking to warn his Head of House. Going over to the bathroom door, Lupin knocked and said to Snape, "It's alright, you can come out now. It was just Malfoy. He left now, but he said there are a whole bunch of women looking for you. As if we didn't know! Didn't everyone see the scary ladies searching for you earlier? Can't the boy see the strange gifts of affection piled all around the room? Honestly, he's as dense as a slab of pork!"

Snape emerged, looking around frightfully as if all of the women would jump out of some shadowed corner and pounce upon him. Once outside the bathroom, he asked his friend, "Are you sure that he was the evil person you smelled coming toward here?" At Lupin's nod he gave a sigh of relief. "Well then, I guess we should continue our investigations!" With that he led Lupin back into the bathroom from whence he just came and started going over his morning routine again. "Let's see," the raven-haired man said, thinking out loud, "Hmm, I took a shower and got dressed, then shaved and left for the Great Hall."

After checking the water for anything unnatural coming out of the faucets, toilet, or shower, pouring out and examining the shampoo, conditioner, soap, shaving cream, toothpaste, and odd floral scented bubble bath (which caused Lupin to send a strange look toward his colleague), they still could find nothing wrong. They even examined the towels and washcloths, bathroom rug, toilet brush, plunger, mirror, toilet paper, and dental floss. Still nothing, blast! There was nothing sinister about any of these ordinary household bathroom items.

Then Snape saw one last bottle left in the cabinet, his aftershave. Still highly doubting anything could be wrong, he checked it just to be sure. Pouring some into a test tube, he noticed that it wasn't exactly the right shade of blue. It was more of a green color, and it was kind of fizzy-looking like Alka-Seltzer. Intriguing. He sniffed it and found that it didn't exactly smell like normal either, it was rather like sniffing a test tube full of oranges mixed with sushi. But before he could further investigate what was wrong with it and hopefully find a cure if this was the source of foul play, he noticed that his werewolf friend was being unusually quiet. Turning around, he found Lupin to be gone! And worse, in his place was a woman!

* * *

While Snape was busy examining his toiletries, a group of oddly-dressed girls had snuck stealthily into his room and lassoed Lupin, gagging him with an apple, putting a blindfold over his eyes, and tying him to a pole. He was immediately carried away by two masked figures in grass skirts and coconut bras, struggling and trying to warn his buddy of the dangers that lurked within the chambers. Their leader, a woman in a mask that looked like a tiki-version of a pig, sauntered up to their target and, just as Snape turned around, proceeded to whack him over the head with a large book. He fell to the floor and was tied up similarly to his friend, then carried away on a pole by two more tribal teens.

* * *

After taking their hostages, the freaky females retreated to the sanctity of the restricted section of the library. Magically fixing the poles to stick into the ground, they left their captives there and began gathering things needed for their ritual. Making a bonfire in the middle of the space, and somehow not burning the carpet, they placed an altar made of wood on the side of the flames opposite of the pilfered professors. Then they strung garlands of flowers all around the bookshelves, even making leis and placing them around the necks of their prisoners. 

Waking Snape up with a simple charm and removing Lupin's blindfold, the ladies revealed their location to the wizards. Then they formed a large circle around the fire and the men and began to dance and chant in a hypnotic but frightening way. As moments passed the chanting grew louder and the girls grew closer. Terrified, Snape was unable to speak from fear and Lupin couldn't speak due to the apple still in his mouth. The former was worried that they wanted to take him and do horrible forms of torture to him until he agreed to (shudder) marry them. The latter was afraid that they were going to use the pole he was tied to as a spit and roast him over the open bonfire. Either choice was not pretty, and the men could only stare in horror as the chief of the scary tribe walked up to them and removed her mask!

* * *

Madam Pince cackled evilly as she walked up to her object of desire. Stroking his cheek, she said, "Hey there, handsome! Where have you been all my life?" Actually she was quite old, so he wasn't even alive for the majority of her life, but she didn't realize this and he wasn't about to call her old to her face seeing as how he was tied to a stake in front of a fire!

He replied to his scary abductor with a, "I'm not sure, but wherever it was I wish I was there right now!" Apparently this wasn't the appropriate thing to say either, as she shoved an apple in his mouth and told him to be silent, as this was a library.

She instructed her followers to remove their masks, which they did. To the hostages' horror there were many more students that they had not yet encountered in their escapades. Gazing lovingly in their Potions Professor's direction were many starry-eyed students including Lavender Brown, Eloise Midgen, Marietta Edgecomb, Hannah Abbot, Penelope Clearwater, Millicent Bulstrode, and Susan Bones, who were in the front and therefore identifiable. They had stopped circling the teachers like vultures, but were still chanting in low, spooky voices.

Then a loud gong sounded and a frightened looking Professor Flitwick was led in at wandpoint by Ginny Weasley and Daphne Greengrass. The Slytherin and Gryffindor students were working together at last, but under scary circumstances. The bound professors only had a moment to wonder what was going on before the tiny man was placed under the altar and three girls from behind pulled up Snape's stake and carried him over to the front of it. He was then placed back into the ground and Pince stepped up next to him in front of the altar, now wearing a wedding dress. Still having wands pointed at him, Flitwick began to read from a book. Wait a minute, those were wedding vows!

The poor potion maker only now realized what was going on and tried uselessly to escape. Fortunately for him there was a disruption, as some of the others began to protest, saying things like 'Hey, how come she gets to marry him?', 'We helped capture him, we should share him!', and 'I thought you were already married, Gameela, what are you thinking?' That last question came from the Charms teacher, as he was looking for any excuse to get away.

"Get back, all of you!", the irate librarian shouted. "He's mine, all mine! You can't have him anyway, as you're not even old enough to get married. So HA!" She then grabbed her wand and waved it at all of the children, scaring them away, some even crying as they left. Flitwick was not so lucky, as she picked the attempted escapee up by the collar and plopped him back in front of the 'happy couple'.

"Now you may continue the ceremony, minister", she said, despite his protests that he wasn't even licensed to perform marriages and wasn't a minister of any kind. Then she put her arm around Snape and said, "Get on with it! I can't wait for the honeymoon in Maui!"

* * *

Frightened, the dark and creepy man was wondering how he was going to escape this time. He'd been lucky before, but now it seemed that his luck had run out. Whimpering, he looked around for any way to get himself untied when suddenly he felt his ropes loosening! Turning his head, he saw a female house elf silently untying his hands and feet. He recognized her as the one who did his laundry, but couldn't recall her name. But that didn't matter, he was saved! She whispered, "Don't worry, Master Snape, Pinky will saves you!" 

Flitwick had noticed her, of course he would because he's right in front of Snape and he's about the same size as a house elf anyway. Winking, he distracted the looney librarian by saying, "Alright, we'll start with your vows. Look at me, raise your right hand,and repeat the following... I, Gameela Pince..." As she complied with his request and raised her hand that was previously around her 'groom to be', this gave the doomed man the opportunity to remove the ropes completely and draw his wand.

Raising his foot, he executed a perfect Bruce Lee-esque high kick and the wand flew out of Pince's left hand. He told her to freeze, wand pointed at her, before telling Pinky to go untie Lupin. She did as he asked and soon the men were free! Flitwick saw his chance and ran out of there like the dreaded pets of Hagrid had been set upon him, and the other men did as well. As they left, the wizards heard the woman cry, "But Poopsie-pie, what about Maui?"

* * *

The house elf had joined the pair of professors and said, "Pinky knows where Masters can hide and no ones will be finding them, sirs!" They thanked her and followed the tiny creature down some corridor they'd never been down before and then down an equally unfamiliar flight of stairs. But upon entering the door at the bottom, they realized that they'd never been there before because it led to the house elf dormitories. 

Feeling safe, the men collapsed onto two tiny beds. Lupin looked to his friend and said with great relief, "Ah, I don't think anyone will look for us here, most people don't even know about this place. We should be safe." But he spoke too soon, as just then a horribly high-pitched giggle reached their ears.

Jumping up, they turned and saw, to their great relief, that it was only a group of house elfs, not scary schoolgirls. But something was not right about their behavior. They seemed odd, even as far as house elfs go. They kept looking over at the two men and pointing to Snape.The dynamic duo began to get very nervous, maybe they were plotting to hold him for ransom and gain something by turning him over to the Snape-hunters? Surely not, they wouldn't do that to him, right?

Little did they know that it was something far worse than that, they were planning something so vile, so horrible, so cruel, and so disgustingly dreadful that it was beyond a possibility for either of the wizards' minds to even think of it.

* * *

Thesmall school servants were conversing amongst themselves for quite some time, still glancing and giggling at Snape. It began to unnerve the men very much and Lupin suggested to his partner quietly that they should probably leave. However, as they stood and backed slowly towards the door, the house elfs saw them and ran over to block the exit. 

"Don't go!", they cried, "We loves you, Master Snape, sir! We wants you to stay with us!" Then they began advancing towards the wizards, and the men turned to find another exit, only to see that their only way out was past the shrieking, love-obsessed creatures! Some of them were now grabbing on to Snape and clinging to his robes, proclaiming how much they loved him. "You must stay with us forever, we needs you! We can't let you go, never, never, never!", they proclaimed creepily, gazing up at him with their huge eyes and holding tightly to him.

Pinky was offering to wash his socks for him and began pulling at his shoes. Freaked out, the man shook his leg to free it from the vertically challenged female and looked back at Lupin for help.The former Gryffindor began pulling at the house elfs attatched to his friend, but they were sticking like glue. "Well, Severus," he proclaimed, "I believe this is another fine mess we've gotten ourselves into!"

* * *

_Another Author's Note: Dun-dun-dun! Yup, a cliffhanger! What will become of our favorite Professors? Hope you enjoyed it! Don't worry, it shouldn't take me so long to update as last time. Please remember to review, they make me smile very much. And don't forget to come up with a convincing villain for the ending, it's not too far away and I still have yet to figure out who it is! Anywho, happy reading and may you never run out of chocolate or good fanfiction! Au Revoir, Sayonara, Adios, Alohaand Auf Weidersein! Til next time!  
Lil_


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